Getting to Yes

Getting to Yes - Secrets to Negotiating

It is hard to imagine that a few decades ago, decisions were rarely made due to discussions or negotiations. Mostly they were made by the person who is in charge.

Back in the days, the world was running on a pyramid of hierarchy: the "wise father" made every decision concerning the family at home, and the company boss made everyone adhered to his words at work.

In today's world, such autocratic power is rarely observed. Nowadays information is readily available and more people take part in decision-making than before.

Now it has become a regular process to talk to others and include them in decision-making processes. Today's politicians are directly involved with voters and companies are encouraging employees to be part of company decisions.

Even parent and child interactions are becoming more open and democratic. In the time of the internet, a parent cannot say "What you are asking is dangerous," because the child can easily go online and find counterevidence and defend their claim.

Today, any agreement is based on negotiation. Having an argument with a friend over a movie to watch at the cinema is entirely different from bargaining over a price with a supplier or negotiating international trade agreements, but most negotiations have the same characteristics.

By equipping yourself with the right tools and knowledge, you will have a better chance to improve the outcome of many of your negotiations. Because most of your life is spent negotiating, it is worth the time spending developing your knowledge.

It is vital to learn to negotiate well, as in today's world, everything is based on negotiations.

Avoid trench warfare. It costs a lot and brings very little in return.

A lot of time conflict turn into trench warfare: where both parties take a defending position and only withdraw the position when their demands are met. In this type of situation, a solution is not based on negotiation, but the most stubborn side either wins or a middle point is found where both parties can more or less, live with.

The problem in this situation is that both parties are standing on their initial positions. Instead of looking for compromising solutions together, they both want to win, or none want to accept defeat. This type of mindset closes off the win-win solution.

This kind of situation mostly results in open battle, which is an energy and time-consuming process. To make it worse, often both parties take unnecessary stands in the hope of winning, but in reality, this results in longer and painful arguments.

The trench warfare has an adverse effect on the issue at hand, and some point can even break the relationship between the two parties: "if the percent discount is worth more than a long term business relationship, maybe it is better to find a different supplier!"

Trench warfare is bad news in many ways: it can result in unfavorable solutions, take up a lot of time and energy as well as harm relationships.

We must all avoid trench warfare as it costs a lot while bringing little returns.

Keep in mind that youre negotiating with people.

It is very wrong to consider a negotiation as a merely factual conversation between perfectly rational individuals. There is never a one-sided reality in negotiation, but at least two subjective interpretations of reality. Everyone will bring their values, emotions, personalities and experiences to the table.

This only means everyone will look at things differently and interpret the facts differently. At some point, people get carried away that they do not realize they are talking about two different topics.

People tend to react very differently to the same situation, especially when it's a stressful situation. Very long, intense discussions have an effect to make one person aggressive, which can irritate the second person, making them defensive. When this happens, any further discussion is worthless.

In any negotiation, a combination of different perceptions and the use of strong emotions is a poison to find a mutually satisfactory solution. And resorting to rational argument is also not the solution.

Every negotiation happens on two distinct levels: the level of human perceptions and emotions and the level of factual arguments.

It is hard to separate these two levels, but there is also the interpersonal level of play besides the facts, this might be the source of many misunderstandings and conflicts.

Always remember you are negotiating with people.

Fight the problem, not the person youre negotiating with.

The goal of a negotiation must never be about winning as if the second party is an opponent. Better yet, both sides should find a long-term mutual solution.

For this reason, negotiators must always try to separate their factual level of an argument from the interpersonal level. To negotiate successfully, you should always remain on the level of facts.

But this will only work if both parties are willing to approach the issue rationally rather than emotionally. To mutually succeed in a negotiation, both parties need to see each other as partner aiming for a win-win solution, and not enemies in the battlefield where only one person is allowed to win.

The ideal way is for both sides to distance themselves from the issue at hand and try to look at it from a neutral perspective together. It will highly help to view the situation from the same side of the table. This way, both parties no longer see it as a battle between them, but a problem that needs solving together.

Both parties should find a neutral language and stick to the facts. Never attack your opponent on a personal nature and never accuse them of being unreasonable, no matter how unrealistic their positions. If you cross that line, you create distance that can lead to the other person losing sight of the facts and his response will purely be of emotional level.

For instance, a newly separated couple should not keep fighting about who to blame for the failed marriage. Instead, they should focus on the children and create a mutual solution with the children in mind.

Fight the problem and not the person you are negotiating with.

Before you search for solutions, understand both parties underlying interests.

Sometimes the position of the two sides seems not to coexist with each other. Look at a married couple's holiday plans as an example: I want to spend the holidays by the sea, versus, I want to go to the Alps."

But if we look below the surface of the interest between these two positions, we might be surprised by the new solution it may create, this can even happen without the need to compromise. In the couples example, if the wife wants to go to the sea, so that she can swim, and her spouse wants to go to the Alps to rock climb, why not spend the holidays by a mountain lake?

However, a position is often based on various interests and not one. In the example above, the couple different positions might be influenced by different expectations on geography, food, accommodations and so on.

To find a mutually beneficial solution, always try to understand all the important interests. Once you have outlined the differences, it will be easier to prioritize and discover where both parties can work together. What is the second persons goal? Where do you agree? What are the main differences between your position and the other persons? And most importantly, where do those differences arise from?

Most people's primary drivers are their basic needs for control, recognition, security, and belonging. Do not be afraid to ask the second person, what's driving them: e.g. "Why do you want to go to the sea?" or "Why are you against this option?"

Similarly, you should understand your own driver and interests. Always express them openly before pointing to suggestions. Only when both parties interests are clear will it be possible to find solutions where both sides are happy.

Before looking for a solution, understand the underlying interests of both sides.

Outline options before you search for solutions.

When people negotiate, they typically already have a clear goal of what kind of outcome they want. In most cases, they bring along their draft contracts in the hope of convincing the second person to agree to them.

This type of solution is bound to fail because they are based on one person's position, thus, imbalanced. And they do not provide a realistic foundation for a joint solution.

It will be more practical to be open to discussion of all kinds of potential solutions and accepts a solution that both parties are happy in agreement.

How will you respond if someone asks you, "Who do you think will win the Nobel Prize in scientific research next year?" It is likely you will not come up with the name in that instant. Instead, you create a list of candidates and choose one after the review.

This is the same reasoning you should use when searching for an outcome in a negotiation.

Take negotiation as having two distinct phases: first, you outline the potential solutions, and after that, you can agree on something. Do not mix the two up.

Start by analyzing the extreme position, go through different scenarios of the same problem and consider all the details, small and big. Be proactive and creative: create sketches, brainstorm the meeting, ask experts, etc. Consider creating a good-natured game using the most extreme positions (e.g., by asking, What would the liberals say? What about the hardcore conservatives?).

This will help you come up with various potential solutions, and as you move into the discussing phase, one of the solutions will prove to be acceptable for both parties.

Outline the options before looking for solutions.

Always find objective criteria to base your decisions on.

Regardless how good your intentions are, surprising your counterpart with a full formulated suggestion for a solution is not the best way to move the negotiation forward. At most, your counterpart will definitely disagree or either respond defensively or aggressively.

Rather, first find positive criteria to base your decision. These should be straightforward to the point and objective so that there is no room for misinterpretation on both sides.

For example, the fair price for a house is not only the target price the seller or buyer had in mind. A fair price should be estimated based on a various variable such as the average price per square meter, the building conditions, and the market prices for similar houses in the same area. All these criteria are objective and testable.

When negotiating, it is practical for both parties to openly lay down the criteria used to check the quality of the solution. They do not need to be identical but must be objective and understandable to everyone.

Do not give in to pressure or an ultimatum. If someone provides you with a solution and says, "That is my last offer," simply ask what their main criteria are; e.g., "why do you consider that as a fair solution?"

In most cases, there is no tried and tested solutions, gold standards or formula to rely on. Even so, you should always try to find objective criteria to base your decision or solution.

When it seems impossible to find the right criteria, make sure you have at least a fair decision process. This type of negotiation is understood even in pre-primary school, where they teach the "I cut, you choose" method. For example, when an apple is to be divided among two children, the first child cuts the apple, but better be fair, as the second child gets to choose first which half he will take.

Always find objective criteria to base your decision.

To negotiate well, you have to be well-prepared.

Always be prepared for the negotiation.

Preparation means you should know all the possible facts before the negotiation. Collect all the information as much as you can, and study the data carefully.

Take time to learn about the other person as well as the particular context of the negotiation. What drives the other person? What are the other person's interests and goals? Are they in a position to make the final decision, or do they need to consider the interests of their bosses or partners? Are there external factors that you need to consider, such as personal, political or religious?

The more information you know, the better you will understand the other person, and more likely to find a mutual solution. The less you know, the more likely you will end up arguing about non-important matters based on speculations, prejudices, and emotions.

Furthermore, never underestimate the logistical details of the negotiations. When and where will the negotiation be held? Will it be at the office, home or on neutral ground? What about the meeting itself: How will it take place? Will it be a conference call? Face to face? Or is it a group negotiation? How will time influence the negotiation? Will pressure in the form of deadline help or harm the negotiations?

By carefully investing in studying the negotiation details and being prepared, it will help you create a positive environment where both parties will be comfortable. This significantly improves your chances of having a fruitful discussion rather than becoming hostile in your initial positions.

To better negotiate, always be well-prepared.

Negotiation is communication: listen and stick to talking about facts!

It's a proven fact that conflicts and problems will not arise if there is clear communication. In most cases, misunderstanding and a lack of knowledge is what lead to arguments, and effective communication can help avoid these problems.

Even if conflicts arise, be positive in your communication approach and be solution-oriented. Do not let the conflicts and arguments block the negotiation, keep focused on the negotiation and keep the negotiation going.

Do this by taking the time to listen. Do not concentrate on only what you want to hear, but also take the time to listen to what the other person is saying. The easy way to do this is by rephrasing what you have heard: If I understand you correctly, your point of view is. That way you show that you are listening, and you avoid misunderstanding the facts from the beginning because the second person can rephrase the point to understand it better.

When you have understood the position of the other person, outline what your interests are. Do not start criticizing their positions but instead talk about your expectations.

Never use your emotions to respond, but, when necessary, allow the other person to vent their anger or other emotions. When such situation arises, explain them; e.g., I see why you are angry, and I was disappointed because.

The primary goal is to always bring the discussion to the level of facts and keeping the debate on-going. Silence will always put an end to the negotiation.

Negotiation is communication: listen and always stick to the facts!

Even the best tools cant always guarantee success.

In theory, a negotiation must always lead to a mutual result if both parties are open, structure their position correctly, use objective criteria and committed to finding an ideal solution together.

Unfortunately, you cannot force the other person to act in a certain way or give up their extreme position or expectations. You can only try.

It will greatly help if you outline the matter on the table and the process you would like to follow in the negotiation: try to agree on the negotiation processes and how the final decision will be made.

If the other person refuses to follow the process specified or uses sneaky tricks such as the classic good cop, bad cop or the insidious I would love to, but my boss, then discuss this openly. Make it clear that you will only continue the discussion when interests of both parties are considered and be focused on objective decision making.

In addition to the processes of the negotiation, other factors can influence the outcome of the negotiation. For example, when there is an imbalance of power between both parties, like when you are negotiating a wage increment with your boss, you can only outline why you think it will be beneficial for both you and her to negotiate on an equal level. But the truth of the matter, she will dictate the negotiation processes, and you will have to accept it.

But remember, even though most things in life are open to negotiation, some remain completely non-negotiable. Not even the best qualified and most experienced will be able to buy the White House, for example.

Even the best tools cannot always guarantee success.

Final Summary

Don't neglect conflicts. Try by all means to avoid trench warfare and learn to understand and address the main interests of both parties. Be an advocate of the facts and remember you are dealing with human beings, and lastly, always be open-minded when it comes to solutions.

What questions did this article answer:

Why is it important to learn how to negotiate well?